25 Things I Promise Never to Crochet

For fear that this newfound interest in crochet may be a symptom of perimenopause, I hereby give my friends permission to perform an intervention should they ever find a poodle toilet paper cozy in my bathroom. I depending on all of you to tell me the truth if my house ever begins to look like a church bazaar exploded.

As further insurance and in the spirit of Facebook, instead of 25 random things about me, I offer you 25 things I promise never to crochet . . .

I *heart* my broom











Really?

Or you could name your kid BeatMeUpAndStealMyLunchMoney . . .











Unable to afford a thyroid test,

Agnes tried to disguise her thinning hair.

Turkey Hat: Because everyone wants a turkey on her head . . .

They seemed so cute

until they elected a leader . . .

Without the navel ring,

I'm not sure this would work.

Kitty says: Me will wait until she's asleep,

then lay on her face until twitching stops.







Who doesn't love a mushroom in a jar?

The perfect outfit for meeting his parents:

Coke & Red Bull:

Because beer can hats are just tacky.

Granny Squares:

There's a time and a place . . .

. . . this is not it.

I know granny squares remind you of your Grandma--I get it. But it's just not right!

The Look-At-Me Dress:

When Bad Attention Is Better Than No Attention.

Funky is as funky does.

She'll need therapy anyway.

Might as well make sure she gets her money's worth.

Coulrophobia (fear of clowns): irrational fear or self-preservation?

Because snuggling with a real dead fox just isn't weird enough . . .

Presenting: A Clusterf*&$ of Cozies

Tampon Cozies: uterus with ovaries (left) & banana (right).







Gun Cozy

Motorcycle Cozy?








Infidelity Prevention System:

Wrong on so many levels . . .

Because after the last sweater you made him,

the dog finally ran away.